I did not grew up with my family, when my mom died after giving birth to me, I was "passed around" among relatives by my father. Until finally I was left to my aunt (my father's sister) and for reasons they only know, was never again "returned" to my father.
My aunt treated me very well like a daughter of her own which is why it caused some jealousy from her youngest daughter, my cousin. All my life I have always been reminded by my cousin that I am just adopted that my father did not want me that is why he left me with them. I may not lack materially, they are not rich but they I have always enough for my needs or if ever I lack some things it is not the essential ones.
My two older brothers grew up most of their younger years together. They "separated" around late gradeschool, but remained in constant communication or at least they have a common place to go to, my mother's relatives.
All my young life until a few weeks ago, I have always dreamt, wished and prayed for a day to come to be close to them to feel their brotherly love. My oldest brother has always been known as nicest among us three and being fortunate enough to work abroad with high salary, relatives (especially from my mother's side) has always reached out or depended on him for financial help. It is expected really since he lived with them until he migrated to another country. They helped him through his studies and though he may not be like me who is always introduced as a daughter, they took good care of him. Being known as the nice and generous, that same relatives (mother's side) would always ask me, what did your brother gave your for Christmas? for your birthday? for your wedding (nothing for my wedding by the way). I would not deny I a a little disappointed when he doesn't have anything for me, but I will always comfort myself that those are just material things that probably when I need his help, he would not fail me. But that is where I was wrong.
He decline me not once, not twice but thrice.
The first time, I asked for financial help to be able to pay for a downpayment for a condo unit that I was planning to buy. After a few questions from him, like of course how much, who will my neighbors be if I buy a condo unit in that price range, he declined since he is still paying up a loan that he took on when he paid for our father's medical and funeral expenses.
The second time that I asked for his help, I already started paying off for a condo unit but was unable to come up with the lumpsum money that the developer is requiring since the unit needs to be turned over. Initially, if I remember correctly, he mentioned that the amount is huge, so I was expecting that somehow he would offer that he would only lend this much. But what he said is that all their money is currently in investments. Disappointed, but I just shrugged it off since the amount is really huge.
The third time, I told him that I was applying for a housing loan for the condo unit that I wanted to buy, it was approved but the owner/seller changed minds and wanted cash payment. And that I am also looking into another property although it can processed through a bank loan, a huge amount of money still needs be "cashed out". I was expecting some questions, but instead he straight just replied that they have no extra money since they have just moved houses.
And that is the time that I said to myself that I should stop dreaming, wishing and praying for that time for us to be close. Because with how he responded to my ask for help for me only shows that my "idea" of him who is the big brother who would always be there ready to help his baby sister is crushed and will never be a reality.
Others might think its just money or that condo unit is luxurious anyway. But he knows my struggle that for more than 10 years now, I have been renting, bouncing off from one place to another. That my husband lost his job and was unable to find one for almost 4 years. IT just felt for me that he doesn't care for that.
