Crushed

I did not grew up with my family, when my mom died after giving birth to me, I was "passed around" among relatives by my father. Until finally I was left to my aunt (my father's sister) and for reasons they only know, was never again "returned" to my father.

My aunt treated me very well like a daughter of her own which is why it caused some jealousy from her youngest daughter, my cousin. All my life I have always been reminded by my cousin that I am just adopted that my father did not want me that is why he left me with them. I may not lack materially, they are not rich but they I have always enough for my needs or if ever I lack some things it is not the essential ones.

My two older brothers grew up most of their younger years together. They "separated" around late gradeschool, but remained in constant communication or at least they have a common place to go to, my mother's relatives.

All my young life until a few weeks ago, I have always dreamt, wished and prayed for a day to come to be close to them to feel their brotherly love. My oldest brother has always been known as nicest among us three and being fortunate enough to work abroad with high salary, relatives (especially from my mother's side) has always reached out or depended on him for financial help. It is expected really since he lived with them until he migrated to another country. They helped him through his studies and though he may not be like me who is always introduced as a daughter, they took good care of him. Being known as the nice and generous, that same relatives (mother's side) would always ask me, what did your brother gave your for Christmas? for your birthday? for your wedding (nothing for my wedding by the way). I would not deny I a a little disappointed when he doesn't have anything for me, but I will always comfort myself that those are just material things that probably when I need his help, he would not fail me. But that is where I was wrong.

He decline me not once, not twice but thrice.

The first time, I asked for financial help to be able to pay for a downpayment for a condo unit that I was planning to buy. After a few questions from him, like of course how much, who will my neighbors be if I buy a condo unit in that price range, he declined since he is still paying up a loan that he took on when he paid for our father's medical and funeral expenses.

The second time that I asked for his help, I already started paying off for a condo unit but was unable to come up with the lumpsum money that the developer is requiring since the unit needs to be turned over. Initially, if I remember correctly, he mentioned that the amount is huge, so I was expecting that somehow he would offer that he would only lend this much. But what he said is that all their money is currently in investments. Disappointed, but I just shrugged it off since the amount is really huge.

The third time, I told him that I was applying for a housing loan for the condo unit that I wanted to buy, it was approved but the owner/seller changed minds and wanted cash payment. And that I am also looking into another property although it can processed through a bank loan, a huge amount of money still needs be "cashed out". I was expecting some questions, but instead he straight just replied that they have no extra money since they have just moved houses.

And that is the time that I said to myself that I should stop dreaming, wishing and praying for that time for us to be close. Because with how he responded to my ask for help for me only shows that my "idea" of him who is the big brother who would always be there ready to help his baby sister is crushed and will never be a reality.

Others might think its just money or that condo unit is luxurious anyway. But he knows my struggle that for more than 10 years now, I have been renting, bouncing off from one place to another. That my husband lost his job and was unable to find one for almost 4 years. IT just felt for me that he doesn't care for that.

Poster girl

Humaygad si ateng Malunggay ang poster girl ng victimhood chic. Simula ng malipat sa Second level support hirap na hirap at aping-api.

Samantalang nung nasa 1st Level siya lagi nga sila nagmamadali kumain at di sila halos makapagbreak dahil sa dami ng tickets nila.

Isa nga sa reason kaya siya ang napili ko sa mga candidates nun is ang image nya nun is inde siya reklamador, silent worker lang siya. FOr some reason, paglipat nya sa Second Level support ang daming hinaing ni ateng na kala mo na siya na ang pinaka-naapi na tao sa buong mundo.

Eureka

I just came to a realization (again) that when I began a relationship with Eugene, I started to accept "me". Yung inde ko kelangan ng maraming kaibigan, inde ko kelangan na iplease ang mga kamag-anak ko parati para matahimik ang buhay. I can be "me". But the sad reality of that is dahil dun, nalayo na ako ng husto sa mga highschool friends ko, di na ako mahilig sumama sa mga office events, di na mhilig mkipagkuwentuhan sa mga ka officemate at inde na rin ako madalas umuwi sa Bulacan. Unconsciously, I have become dependent on his presence.
Na ok na ako kasi anjan naman siya.

Isa sa mga pag-aaway namin, nasabi na rin nya yun eh. Na ako daw ang dahilan kaya daw inde na rin sya masyado nkakakahalubilo sa mga kamag-anak nya dahil daw ayaw ko palagi. Pero kung tutuusin, siya ang nauna. Dahil ayaw nya or inde nya feel ang ugali ng mga kamag-anak ko ayaw nya na madalas kami magstay sa Bulacan. So I felt na it would be unfair na pag sa Bulacan ayaw nya pero kapag sa pamilya nya pwede. Laging dahilan, malayo. Pero I know deep inside inde naman yun lang ang dahilan niya.

Nang-iinis

So anu ngayon ginagawa nya di b? Namili siya ng gamit ng pinakamamahal nyang anak at namili ng grocerym trying to prove na inde naman talaga kelangan ung mga binibili ko at kaya naman niya bumili. So what is he trying to show now? That before even if he has the means he would rather keep it than ease me with the finances. Katwiran nya mas malaki sahod ko? Or kasi kung anu-ano naman binibili ko? Oh kala ko ba pinagpputok ng butse nya na sya ang lalake at ayaw ko naman sya bigyan ng respeto as a lalake. Eh as a lalake kaya patunayan nya n siya ang provider ng pamilya.
Kung di p nga ako ddaing n wala ako pera or kinulang pambayad ko or inde ako topakin n inde bbili ng grocery inde sya mgkkusa na siya naman ang bbili kahit may extra naman pla syang pera. Tpos ipagmmalaki nya na sya ang lalake? Wtf

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And the saga continues

I can no lobger remember if it was yesterday or earlier today when he said that I was always "feeling righteous" . And that eversince that I became team lead I always wanted to be obeyed. What the hell? How the fuck did my position at work came into issue? And that is what exactly what I told him? So he had been keeping that opinion for so long? Since when? Since I became team lead in my previous company which was 7 or 8 years ago? Or when I moved to this new company 3 years ago?

Made me remember when he said something that he has been comparing me with his officemates and he noticed or realized that I was in fact worse than them. So is he comparing me with his team lead? Wtf?

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My bday and Mother's day

For any other woman/mother this could have been your most special day from your husband. He would have prepared the best if not the sweetest surprise for you.

But not my husband, he just argued with me and laughed sarcastically when I was crying. What a douche.

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To be fair

When telling a story I always add "to be fair" especially if I am putting the other person in a not so good light.

But why is it that it seems that it is the world that is not fair to me

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The eve

It's the eve of my birthday and instead of my husband (not expecting much from my kids) making ne feel good. He actually made me feel worse.

He knows I have mental health issues, I am not yet officially diagnosed but he knows I have been seeing a psychologist. Though quite knew he knows I am trying to help myself but instead of helping he emphasizes that I am crazy and actually tells my daughter that I act like that because I am crazy. Don't mind her she's crazy is what he would often say.

It is really a mistake to get married just bealcause somebody impregnated you. The love is just not there. Maybe at first. But eventually, he becomes a father ( which is a good thing) but is no longer a husband. And when I tell him that he simply tags me as selfish and a bad mother.

How can I be mentally healthy if I have to live with someone like that everyday for the rest of ny life? I have begged him several times to leave. Because before its always me who leaves so end up with unnecessary expenses and just end up returning anyway because I have nowhere to go.

posted from Bloggeroid

Day 17

Feom 40 days to a Joy filled life by Tommy Newberry

- We do all sorts of silly things that fuel our negative emotions. As a result, we end up getting more of what we don't want

- We distort things, we exaggerate things, we amplify our experiences in life and we pick the wrong things to dwell on.

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Day 16

From 40 days to a joy-filled life by Tommy Newberry

- We cannot trust our feelings to be synonymous with facts.
- According to humorist Josh Billings, its what we know that ain't true that causes us so much trouble
- the single biggest mistake people make when dealing with feelings is accepting them as true
- Feelings are data that you must filter through reason
- The longer you have been led by your feelings, the harder it will be to establish reason as the basis for future decision making. Our culture celebrates empathy, emotion driven morality.
- it is often through our feelings that we are typically led astray

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Day 15

From 40 days to a Joy-Filled life by Tommy Newberry

- Ingrates feel entitled. Nothing is quite so powerful or so quickly destructive to your potential for joy as the attitude of entitlement. This is relatively modern notion that someone or some group owes us, that we deserve something from others. With this mindset, even if we receive something, we don't see it as a gift but as a right.

- Moaners and whiners surround us, and they often seem to be competing to see who has the worst grievance against society or who can be the most offended

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Day 14

From 40 days to a joy-filled life by Tommy Newberr

- our thoughts like our actions have consequences.as relentlessly as you may try , you cannot think one thing and experience something else
- you cannot think negatively and live positively

Day 13

From 40 days to a joy-filled life by Tommy Newberry

- when we witness people having a really good time , our curiosity is activated.
- our human nature, with an assist from modern culture promotes the idea that solutions must be deep and complicated to be valuable. In most cases, nothing could be farther from the truth.lasting solutions are surprisingly simple. Joy is within us but it must be released.

Day 12

From 40 days to a Joy-filled life by Tommy Newberry

According to clinical psychologist Dr. Mark Crawford, " the idea of finding your soulmate is a myth. A soulmate is created by sharing the best and worst experiences of life together over a period of many, many years.

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Day 11

From 40 days to a Joy filled life by Tommy Newberry

When you feel a sense of deficiency, it does not necessarily mean that you are lacking something important. What it does mean is that you have recently been thinking about what is absent, very likely to the exclusion of what is present.

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Self-compassion

I am currently reading this book in Kindle with the title " Self-compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself" by Kristin Neff I am just in Chapter 2 and I am actually liking it.
Below are some of the lines that I liked from what I read today:

No matter how difficult things get, we can always wrap our torn and tattered selves in our own soft embrace. We can soothe and comfort our own pain, just a child is soothed and comforted by her mother's arms. We don't have to wait until we are perfect, until life goes exactly as we want it to. We don't need to look outside ourselves for the acceptance and security we crave. This is not to say that we don't need other people. Of course we do. But who is in the best position to know how you really feel underneath that cheerful facade? Who is most likely to know the full extent of the pain and fear you face, to know what you need most? Who is the only person in your life who is available 24/7 to provide you with care and kindness? You.

Day 10

From 40 days to a Joy filled life by Tommy Newberry

- You are writing your own life story with each subtle thought you think

- almost everything that happens to you good or bad originates with a single thought.

- Neuroscientists can now demonstrate that every thought sends electrical and chemical signals throughout your brain , ultimately affecting each cell in your body.
- Remind yourself that " your thoughts are showing"
- your thoughts are incrementally shaping your destiny here on earth
- you have authority over your thoughts

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Day 9

From 40 days to a Joy filles life by Tommy Newberry

- Take a vacation from yourself
- Create a mental vacation that updates your perspective, reloads your enthusiasm and rebuilds your potential for joy
- you can accomplish this mental getaway by varying some of your habits, especially your thought patterns for a week or so

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Day 8

From 40 days to a Joy-filled life by Tommy Newberry

- Understanding how your self-concept influences your attitude toward life can help you both live with and spread more joy.

- Your self-concept is the picture that you hold of yourself at the unconscious level

Day 7

From 40 days to a Joy-filled life by Tommy Newberry

- We become what we behold
- Whatever you dwell upon becomes increasingly conspicuous in your own mind
- Resist the urge to accelerate negative emotional spirals by chronically reporting your own negative headlines
- whatever holds our attention molds our intention

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